The Avatar Effect

The Avatar Effect
Avatar was easily one of the best movies that came out last year or within the last couple of years. If you haven’t seen this movie you have no idea what you have missed.

In the movie the creatures that lived on the planet that we humans decided to take over (as humans always do). Well when we finally see the inhabitants of the planet next to humans you can see the difference in size between the two. Funny thing is that throughout the movie when I just saw the creature I didn’t think about how big they were. I looked at them in relevance to myself. I essentially made them the same size as a human. This is what I call the Avatar Effect. Where you look at something from your perspective alone and not as things actually are.

The other day my husband and I were talking about some people that we know and how we (I) relate to them. The instance was how I look at people. Apparently when I deal with a person I deal with them in the perspective that they are in the same place (or better) that I am in. The example was one of my “friends”. She doesn’t have the same financial situation that I have. However when I deal with her and I share with her all of the things that I buy I seem to miss the fact that she isn’t as able to do the same. She isn’t able to go out to spend a couple of hundred on one pair of shoes. Or when I go out and buy all new clothes and give her all my old clothes that I don’t want any more for whatever reason I give the old ones to her because she knows people that could fit (and use)them. What I seemed to be missing was that she had started to breed contempt towards me. Although she has never said anything outwardly, she has had a nasty tone of voice at times.

Like I said I hadn’t picked up on it until recently. With having the new family it has forced me to slow down enough that I had to take notice of what was going on around me. Before it was harder to do because I was constantly on the go. Getting back to avatar, I never looked at the fact that she was in a position that prevented her from partaking of the wonders and joys of shopping, I was more concerned with who I “thought” she was as a person. The person that I knew never seemed to have a problem with me or what I was doing, at least that was what I was lead to believe. It was never my intention to make someone feel less because they had less. I just liked to share my blessings. It was never as if she didn’t do the same in her own way. She talked about shoes or trips she went on.

At first I thought that it was because I had gotten married and had a baby that was the catalyst for the change. To me I am the same person, my circumstances just changed a little. But D started to see that whenever she asked me about what we were doing (and buying) her whole attitude changed. Like the green eyed monster reared its ugly head. Damn who would have thought someone that was so close for so long would turn like that.

Getting back to the topic, I brought her up to my level in my mind instead of dealing with her where she is at. I should have known better. You cannot talk to a starving person about a 32oz steak that you are eating and not think that they may have some problem with that, hence the avatar effect. After the initial discovery, you go back to putting people back where you are. So this had made me look at my friends and those that I surround myself with in a new light. She was not the only person that I have done this too. What I thought I was doing was looking at people just as people, not at them for what they have or don’t have. Most of my friends are at my level or above so it was never any real issue, but I guess some are not and for them my good fortune or marrying well as one person told me as put me into a place that causes them to feel some anger towards me. While I find it disheartening I won’t stop sharing when I buy a new coat or bag or whatever, I will just be careful who I share my news with but if you ask don’t get you panties in a bunch when I tell you.

Bleeding

I have to stop the bleeding. I feel like I've been cut and every emotion I have is spilling out of my veins and pooling around my feet. I getting tired from all the damn drama I keep coming across from those that say that they love me or at least they call themselves my family. I call myself stitching the wounds closed only to have them reopened again by the bull that everyone seems to be dealing with.

I need to learn to harden myself against those people that were supposed to be the closest. The thing that makes this so freaking hard is that I let everyone do themselves. I allow people to be who they are without trying to change them or make them fit into a box that I constructed. I just wish that they could do the same thing for me. Why it is that I have to fit into the idea that my "friends" and "family" seem to have of me. I am way more than any of them could every know. Especially since none of them ever really took the time to get to know the real me.

For the last 20+ years my mother has fooled herself into believing that I was someone I wasn't. Ant it isn't from lack of me showing her. She just cared not to know me, yet put me into her imaginary box of who I should be. The daughter that she wished she had. Instead she got me. The kid who doesn't like people, the one who would rather not deal with people.

Isn't it enough that I found happiness. Does it have to be the happiness that defined by what everyone else thinks? Can I just be happy hanging out at my house with my family. Do I have to sit up in someone face and entertain the foolishness that they call fun. Is it too much to think that I would enjoy having a decent conversation about something that actually matters. Can I just enjoy playing with my child and without other children (big or small) imposing their will on us.

Until then I will once again close my wounds and stop the bleeding. I will confine myself to my little corner of the world and live happily, just the three of us.

Endless Possibilities

When I was a little girl my grandma told me I could be anything I wanted to be. And I believed her. So when I was about 3 years-old I told her I wanted to be a professional cheerleader. I had seen some on television and it looked like fun.

Over the course of several years I changed what I wanted to be several times. I went from wanting to be a cheerleader, to a teacher, doctor, astronaut, actress, fashion designer, artist (which is funny because I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler), a lawyer, writer, a nurse and even president. Yeah I was all over the place.

It wasn’t until I got older that I understood that her statement wasn’t entirely true at the time. Granted when she grew up blacks didn’t have as many career options. She grew up in the 1930’s so unless you were cleaning someone’s house or cooking their food, you were limited. So when the civil rights movement took effect, she saw that there were so many more opportunities than she had growing up.

Even with all the advancements we made as a people, there were still some things that were beyond our reach. My mother used to tell me that being black was something that some people would hold against me. And because I am a woman, I would have to fight that much harder to get the same opportunities everyone else has.

Last year I saw something that I thought I would never see: A Woman and A Black Man running for the presidential seat. I was amazed. Not only were they running, but they were both doing well. They were crushing the competition. Then came time to announce who would take the nomination…A Black Man. Wow was I proud as a black person! Either way I would have been proud.

I take nothing away from the Hilary supporters, I understand their side. President Obama (it feels good to say that) was virtually unknown outside of Chicago (unless you follow politics in some form).

When November 4, 2008 came, I stayed glues to the television. Knowing that this was/is probably the most important elections I’ll ever witness in my lifetime. The Republicans tried to steal the female vote with Palin (who is the most stupid woman to run for an office). But in the end …well unless you’ve been living on Uranus for the last 3 months, you know what it is.

Today President Obama was inaugurated in as our 44th Commander and Chief. Today for black people we get the opportunity to see that if you dream big, you can achieve anything. The possibilities are endless. Today now more than any other time in my life my grandmother’s words are true. I can be anything. The little girl sitting in class daydreaming about being the first female president may actually obtain that goal (if Hilary doesn’t beat her to it). Who knows, she could even become the next Queen of England.

The only thing I feel sad about is that my grandparents aren’t here to see what they fought so hard for as many of you probably are.

Before I end this blog I have to thank a few people. First I need to thank all the Bush supporter. Secondly I need to thank Bush and his Cabinet. Had they not fucked up the country so much, people would not have understood the need for change as they did. They would not have been as willing to put down their differences and prejudices as they did to come together and make a change. The economy is the state it’s in now doesn’t just affect blacks or Latinos. For a change it affects everyone. HARD! So the normal methods of running a country aren’t working and putting another person in office with the same ideas and principles as before would have been disastrous.

So Dream Big…You Actually May Achieve That Dream.

I'm On The Phone

Today started out like any other day. I packed up my laptop to head to the coffee shop so I can send out a couple of resumes. One my way my friend called and said she was cooking breakfast. So hey, I like to eat so I stopped by for a plate.

After I finished eating, I thought I should hook up the ipod since it was dead. And then I got my morning call. Oh my I could barely contain the joy that seeps from my soul when he calls. Then the doorbell rang. Since it isn’t my house, I paid no attention to it. I should have. I should have been trying to escape from the side door. Guess who walks through the door…the ex. Damn, this used to be the safe space since he wasn’t talking to his sister.

I continued with my conversation. Laughing and joking about the situation with my brother and his scatter brained behind. So as I continued to talk, the ex decided to let his presence be known to me. As if I didn’t notice his vile arse enter the room. He did so by telling me he liked my computer. By asking me questions about his work habits. Calling me a spy since I had all my “high tech” gadgets with me. By walking his sorry behind over to me.

Maybe he didn’t realize I was on the phone. But how could he not, I don’t go around talking to myself in public. Well, at least where people can possibly notice that I’m doing it. Not to mention I was bust texting his sister asking her why was he talking to me. Last time I saw him, he was spewing venom about my presence at his brother’s house for a birthday party. Funny how when he is with his girl (my cousin) he hates my guts, but when she have vanished, he is grabbing at what little attention he can get from me.

The thing is, he knew I was on the phone. He knew I was talking to a guy. I guess he thought I would get all flustered with him here. Or maybe he thought that the other guy would get jealous. No need. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. I should have known this was going to happen. Last night I dreamt that I was arguing with him. Next time I guess I’ll heed the warning.

Happy

Why is it that the one person that makes me happy, also is the reason I’m sad. A couple of months ago I found a man that makes me smile. Really smile, from the inside out. I wasn’t looking though. He kind of just fell into my lap. My “brother” got sick and asked me to give his friend a call and explain his condition. I did. Initially I just wanted to let him know what was up. And after my brother went back home, he asked that he do the same thing and keep me informed.

He did. Everyday he would call me and let me know what was going on. We would text and talk throughout the days. He became a calming constant in my worry for my brother. Little did I know that one day our conversations would take a turn. One I wasn’t prepared for, yet was pleasantly surprised. We began to talk about ourselves. We became people outside of our concern for G.

We talk about everything. If you can imagine it, we talk about it. We laugh, we discuss politics, we talk about ourselves. We spend countless hours wrapped up inside our own world. I wake up with him on my mind and fall asleep with thoughts of him playing in my subconscious. When he calls, something inside me lights up. I feel a warmth deep down that I have never experienced before.

I have come to rely on him. He provides me with a closeness even though he is many, many miles away. Even thought I feel close to him, I still feel very far away from him. We talk for hours on end. So much that the days seem to slip away faster than sand falls from a person’s hands. My only problem is that at the moment he is in the presence of another woman. Not that they are in a relationship, but they occupy the same living space. And she has a problem with him being on the phone with me. So much to the point that he has to get off the phone to keep the peace. And that takes away from my time. And that makes me sad.

I almost feel like I need to talk to him. Like something is missing from my day if we don’t speak. When he went to Korea, I missed his voice. I never would have guessed that I would get that attached to a person I hadn’t met in person. So now we have decided that we will meet towards the end of the month. I can’t remember the last time I was so excited. Even though I’m excited, I’m nervous. I have an idea of who he is through our conversations and pictures we have sent. I want to make sure that he matches the image I have of him in my head. I hope so.

Changes

Changes
Life has a way of making you adjust even when you don’t want to. Even when you have one plan in mind, life may have something else for you. I recently found myself falling victim to life. I’m not sure if I want to call it falling victim, but it sure wasn’t in my plan.
Recently my brother came home to visit me for the fourth of July holiday. Since I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years I was really excited. He’s in the Navy so he’s been overseas for a while. When he got in, I couldn’t wait to just hang out like we used to do and chill with friends.
Well life had a totally different plan. On the morning of the fourth he ended up going to the ER because he had been complaining of a sore throat. Neither one of us thought nothing of it. So I stayed at the house with my nephew while he went to get a prescription for some antibiotics, at least that was the plan. Turns out, there was something more than that going on. We later found out that there was a cancerous tumor on his tongue. And would need to go back home for treatment.
But while he was here he asked me to call one of his friends and let him know what was going on.
Being the good sister I am, I did. Especially since his wife isn’t fond of informing people about what is going on. He also had me call his command and let them know too.
After he got back home, he ended up back in the hospital. And Lord knows his wife wasn’t going to call and tell me. She and I don’t exactly get along. So he had his friend call and update me on his condition. After a couple of conversations, we started to shoot the breeze. Then those calls turned into something completely different.
I never though I would come across someone as quick witted as I am. Someone who could hold their own against my sharp tongue, but he has managed to keep up and even get me to shut my mouth a few times. I don’t even talk on the phone as much as I have to him. Normally unless I’m talking to my niece I’m off the phone in twenty minutes. The other day we were on the phone for two hours.
The part that is really tripping me out is that I find myself looking forward to the phone calls and text messages. And I can’t wait to meet him this Friday. I’m hoping that he is as much fun in person. The odd thing to me is that I had it in my head that I would be alone. I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone really. I was cool with occasionally talking to someone on the phone for about ten minutes then finding a reason to get off the phone. Thanks to one bad relationship that lasted for what seemed like forever, I just was at the point of I’m cool on relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that this will turn into a relationship, but this has been fun. It’s just crazy that I had to find a new friend in a different city and state. It does help his case that my brother is friends with him, otherwise I wouldn’t speak to him past the updates. I know my brother won’t allow anyone to just be around that means me no good. Even though he says he’s not in this. I know that he has been saying things to each of us, even though he won’t admit it.
And even if nothing comes of this (not saying that I want something to come from this), I will at least have some new material for my blogs for the next week or so. I just have to get someplace to get a good enough connection to post them.

Adventures in Excercise

As most of you know, I didn’t post on Monday about my adventures is exercise. It was Hannah’s birthday so we just hung out at the house. So yesterday, we got back into the swing of things. It was warm in the Land yesterday so the outfit I had on wasn’t going to work. So on my way to class, I had to make a stop by my house to change into some shorts.

When I got back to the rec center I had to sit out in the hall because there was cheerleading practice in the room we work out in. While I have a minute, let me just say that as I watched the girls practice, I wanted to take my belt off and beat every last one of them. 8-10 year-olds shouldn’t dance like that. I was like watching stripper practice. All that was missing were a bunch of poles. Makes me thankful I don’t have any kids. And if I ever catch one of my nieces doing that mess, Ima punch them in the throat. Auntie BooBoo don’t play that. Anais and Jordan, you have been warned! You too Dee and Tina, when they come to ya’ll crying, you know why.

After practice let out, we all filed into the room, got our steps and set up. About 6 the instructor walked in and chatted with a couple of people. As he made his rounds I sat on my step preparing for the torture to begin. Oh, this is probably a good time to mention that Hannah snitched on me. That’s right; she showed the instructor the first blog that I wrote. And not only that, she told him it was me. Some friend she is. If she didn’t lay my hair out, I would break her fingernail. Hannah, remember snitches get stitches.

6:30 we are under way. This week there is a lot less people than last Wednesday. I guess he made a bunch of people not come back. Either that or they are still in the hospital. We all get into the groove of the steps and are doing our thing when we had to turn. Here is where the trouble begins. We facing the left and in that row is this man, old enough to be somebody’s daddy doing the steps with us. Don’t get me wrong, there are men in the class, but this one takes the cake.

This man is in a pea green, long sleeved shirt and some corduroy pants. Now for those of you not familiar with the weather in Cleveland, it was 75 yesterday. Not only that, it is hot as hell up in this room and he is sweating more that all the women in the room put together. And every step he’s doing is wrong. I mean WRONG. He doesn’t even have a step. Now that everyone is turned facing him they all mess up. I’m laughing so hard that I slid off the step and hurt my foot. Now I have this painful cramp in my foot that has me hopping around like a kangaroo. I had to take a break.

This man messed me up so much I have to do everything in the reverse I don’t see him and injure myself more. Even the instructor laughed at him. If it wasn’t bad enough that there are still parts I haven’t mastered, doing it in the reverse has thrown me completely off. But I kept up as best as I could. And now I have the A-step. Now I have to master the U and full U and I’ll be unstoppable. And I think I need a new pair of shoes. Maybe some Nike shocks.
After class, Hannah pointed me out to the instructor. Yeah I saw that elbow. You know you’re in for it! And maybe Friday I’ll have some video to show you. Wish me luck!