Bleeding

I have to stop the bleeding. I feel like I've been cut and every emotion I have is spilling out of my veins and pooling around my feet. I getting tired from all the damn drama I keep coming across from those that say that they love me or at least they call themselves my family. I call myself stitching the wounds closed only to have them reopened again by the bull that everyone seems to be dealing with.

I need to learn to harden myself against those people that were supposed to be the closest. The thing that makes this so freaking hard is that I let everyone do themselves. I allow people to be who they are without trying to change them or make them fit into a box that I constructed. I just wish that they could do the same thing for me. Why it is that I have to fit into the idea that my "friends" and "family" seem to have of me. I am way more than any of them could every know. Especially since none of them ever really took the time to get to know the real me.

For the last 20+ years my mother has fooled herself into believing that I was someone I wasn't. Ant it isn't from lack of me showing her. She just cared not to know me, yet put me into her imaginary box of who I should be. The daughter that she wished she had. Instead she got me. The kid who doesn't like people, the one who would rather not deal with people.

Isn't it enough that I found happiness. Does it have to be the happiness that defined by what everyone else thinks? Can I just be happy hanging out at my house with my family. Do I have to sit up in someone face and entertain the foolishness that they call fun. Is it too much to think that I would enjoy having a decent conversation about something that actually matters. Can I just enjoy playing with my child and without other children (big or small) imposing their will on us.

Until then I will once again close my wounds and stop the bleeding. I will confine myself to my little corner of the world and live happily, just the three of us.